Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
