I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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