all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
