Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
