the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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