oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
