The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
