i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
