I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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