apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
