dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
