More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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