Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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