dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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