he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
