she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
