our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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