for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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