I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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