everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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