Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
