So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Randomize
