He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
