There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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