he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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