Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
