bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
this will be a night to untag.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
