i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
