i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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