the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
