Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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