No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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