The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
