Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
