I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
