Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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