he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
