Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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