My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
