I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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