yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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