I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
