so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
