dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That accounts for only three of the penises
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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