New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
