Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
