I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
