apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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