Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
