Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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