I hate your face
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
